Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter just asked me why can’t she just quit school.
I told her it’s against the law and I could go to jail for it.

She looked me in the eye and said….

“I’ll visit you”

I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.

funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings

Buck naked

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me

A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.

Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’

[first day as a self defense teacher]

Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?

Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up

I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.

Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.

You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.

I was trying to catch a cricket in the house this morning and was yelling at it, “I know this is scary, but stop struggling I’m trying to help you!” Probably the same thing the universe is always yelling at me.

if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?

This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.

6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?

Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.

A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.

Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]

Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]

Me on my deathbed: ANY day now

When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.

what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?

her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?

me: I’ll just call the pizza guy

her: ok

[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagna

me: love it

Jurassic park gets weird

That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.

If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.

my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡

Dear Britain,

This Brexit vote is all wrong

If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.

Sincerely,

America

If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,

8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?

Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?

8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.

Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?

8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.

I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.

Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.