Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.

Oh…wrong toilets.

[principal’s office]

“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”

Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.

In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?

One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero

Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.

A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.

Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.

one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”

All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside

u guys got any snacks onboard here

I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.

When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.

I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.

I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.

Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go

Bad Batman: Ben Affleck

Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap

[Sperm Bank]

DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy

[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?

Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary

Cop on other side: what is he doing

*steals machine parts all year*

*gets coal for xmas*

“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”

*turns coal into diamond*

The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.

Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.

Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.

why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining

GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste

BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice

My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.

Can’t believe I ruined my diet again, went over by one gram of uranium (18 million calories)

[Me as a Realtor]

BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted