There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
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Succinctly put.
I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do