There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
You Might Also Like
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
☺️
Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet
The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.
Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?