There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
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[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
#milo
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
I wish I could call my dad’s therapist and be like “hey what exactly are you working on over there???”
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Breaking news:
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
New nose
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues