There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
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People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?