Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange

I don’t understand what’s happening here.

I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”

I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.

I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date

Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.

Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.

I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this

Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year

friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?

fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying

If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.

Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*

Four-year-old: Look, a rock!

I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up

I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.

[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]

I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase

A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.

Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.

Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.

I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser

Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.

“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”

-3 year olds.

Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics

who will stop them

Her: are you almost done?

Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page

Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago

I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?

Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.

So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?

If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.

[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”