Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*

*puts lips to microphone*

Microphone: I have a headache

1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet

2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car

In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP

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Dear ladies,

if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.

The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.

*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*

*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive

Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom

My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…

I don’t know what he said after that.😑

First date:

And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…

Me: You can’t fire me!

My circus boss: Just get in the cannon

A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.

Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack

My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.

son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS

Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.

Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.

“I love coffee”, she says while pouring half a gallon of creamer into her mug

There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm

ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*

HER: excuse me, do you mind?

ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking

Gary born

Gary child

Gary teenager

Gary middle-aged

Gary Oldman

Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?

Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.

I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.

“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”

Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real

Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you

NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.