Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around

child (pukes up Easter candy):

me: ok that’s it!

They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.

*crashes vehicle*

“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”

*dies smiling*

[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*

To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …

Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.

Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.

[on a plane]

ME: how much for wine?

ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot

ME: oh right it’s free

ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.

The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.

HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.

What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end

It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.

The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.

The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.

My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.

Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.

Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?

So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.

Me: you need to pick up your Legos

4: can I ask you something first

M:

4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that

M:

4: I think that’s the best plan

M: um, no

4: screams

Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”

tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.

gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t

I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.

The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.

[waxing salon]

ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.

ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?

ME: No, I don’t need that many.

this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid

You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor

A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.

Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.

Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?