There were shockingly few machete murders at tennis camp.
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*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?
If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification