Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”

-companies that obviously provide no training

They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.

This story lives rent free in my head:

Lord of the Rings star Sean Astin once asked Lesnie [LotR cinematographer] ‘where is the light coming from? ‘ when they were shooting in what should have been a darkened tower.

Lesnie replied, “Same place as the music.”

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My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.

WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.

Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph

Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”

my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom

“What attracted you to our company?”

Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work

i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.

Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.

My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with

Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?

“Mom, it’s-”

*dad makes throat slice gesture*

“No one, Mom. No one”

Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-

Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!

The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,

I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.

I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that

As a kid: the floor is lava

As a parent: the floor is Lego™️

Cha-ching is my safe word

Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken

You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know

Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.

WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM

I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.

[after sex]

guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time

me: sorry im afraid of the dark

… Eau DeTroit …

#RejectedPerfumeNames

“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”

– literally no one ever

Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”

Me: “So how does that make you feel?”

Finally my winter fat has gone!

I now have spring rolls.

They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.