Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.

Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.

Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!

[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick

they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.

I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.

20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists

30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn

40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people

Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?

Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.

When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.

[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back

Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.

careful fellas!

when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.

The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.

Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.

“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped

I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.

“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics

It’s a gift

If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water

“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”

I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue

I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.

If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.

my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son

If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already

Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely af

Calling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck

Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.

The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.

I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.