There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
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Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep