There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
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*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Cop: any alcohol or drugs, sir?
Me: No thanks, getting those things from a cop seems kinda setup-ish
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?
We do, now.
(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
The best plant holders?
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?