There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
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[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Happy thanksgiving
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.