There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
You Might Also Like
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t talked since high school let’s keep it that way.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Cat.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.