Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?

Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.

I will do some shady shit for a mocha.

Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!

What’sApp

Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …

*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*

Mom: Fish, honey!

I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”

Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me

My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”

And so, I am never going to work again.

Friend: I want a baby.

Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.

I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.

Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.

Her: You accepted your flaws?

Me: No. I accepted your flaws.

Nobody:

Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family

Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken

Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running

For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.

The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.

“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.

Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.

I want you to meet my friend “Ami”

*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?

Go gym

I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.

What’s so funny?

Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..

The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.

I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.

I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.

The pharmacist smiles kindly.

Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?

Me: French please

Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?

I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.

What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?

*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*

A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.

I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.