There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
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I love hard, but I stupid harder.
The chart results are in…
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
My favorite part about being sick is when you sneeze with a cough drop in your mouth and it launches across the room like a cruise missile.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”