“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
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My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
starting a garage orchestra
i love modern commerce
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.