Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese

me: sorry, we only take cash

manager: can I talk to you

My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.

[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?

Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.

Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.

Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.

Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.

Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.

My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.

My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.

This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.

SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL

Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.

Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.

My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.

2 year old runs naked down the street.

“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”

I run naked down the street.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?

Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling

Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home

Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done

Me: thank you

Therapist: now you need to pay my bill

Me: no

CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma

CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid

interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily

me: yes

interviewer: yes what

me: yes please

I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.

All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.

Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!

* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *

I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 goose

Looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread

(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years

All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.

just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile

Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair

The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar

RANGER: watch out for wolves

ME: oh ya?

RANGER: so relentless-

[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST

This chick just said Q as in cucumber.

I’ma just focus on me.