“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
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I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
sleeping beauty
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
*bites zombie*
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.