Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.

Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends

Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?

Me: Monday

Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu

Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?

A: You rocket!

#HatDadJoke

Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.

Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.

When people ask “Are you high right now?”

It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.

Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.

cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck

When someone trying to leave me

Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews

First I was a pebble..

My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.

You are my people.

Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:

•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.

I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.

Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.

Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.

Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?

[while house is on fire]

Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.

Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?

F: but the house is on fire.

Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.

The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.

Greeting humans vs their dogs

[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no

My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night

Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick

The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.

[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-

The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.

911 what’s your emergency?

Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me

911: How is that an emergency?

Me: It’s attached to her gun

“We just want to find someone who will-”

*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?

“Exactly.”

-death row inmates

ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share

The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.