“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
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There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
That’s classic.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
My son told me I should have a coffee detox, I was so upset I couldn’t sleep for hours.
That’s why… not cause he was right or anything
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life