“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
You Might Also Like
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
No regrets in 2018
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?