There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
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At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Looks like Alexander Graham Bell is calling me.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
bought wrong eggs
Miscakes
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER