There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
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SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it
Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.
I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…