There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
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[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”