There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
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Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
I like chaos.
-turns on news-
Not like that
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
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