“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
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The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Vampire: How did you find me?!
Me: We waited outside all night for you to get back
Vampire: So it was a stakeout
Me: lmao
Vampire: lmaoooo
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan