“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
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*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
these two trucks have the same bed length
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
new year update: losing everything but weight
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.
A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!