there will never be a funnier headline than this one
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I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
rebranding
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Australia has an election this year. Wanna talk about it all day, every day, and make it our entire personality?
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
what are they serving at kfc then???
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
This will teach them to underestimate me
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.