Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.

life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not

some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures

Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.

I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic

The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”

I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.

my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette

FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.

I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.

Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭

2022 will be better than 2021

me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.

You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals

Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.

Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*

You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.

My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.

Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%

my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.

No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting

I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.

His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”

[at the gym]

PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?

ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human

the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it

“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner

The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.

My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.

Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.

ENTER PASSWORD.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

RESET PASSWORD.

NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.

sets fire to computer