There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.
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Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”