There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.
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you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
This is Narla. She was not allowed to go to the park. And now you are not allowed on the couch. 13/10
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
date: I’m a really big people person
frankenstein: omg, same
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”