Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?

Me: I own a house.

I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers

For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk

i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.

🙉🙈🙊

[me as a drug dealer]

Me: wanna buy some acid?

Guys: yeah, whaddya got?

Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic

Guys: (stab me repeatedly)

the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions

Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.

Going to pronounce fecal like decal

The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.

Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.

First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem

HER: i love bad boys

ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed

This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.

ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur

Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.

When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.

Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges

People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer

if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco

I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.

Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.

50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”

20-year-old: “What’s a check?”

If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.

{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?

I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.

“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”

On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.

Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.

Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.

Me : Flow away, I’m busy.

I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack