There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
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I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
All generalizations are stupid.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.