Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.

We go on tour in the fall.

Me: *opens a package*

5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!

Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.

5:

Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.

Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.

Reasons to carry a handkerchief:

3) You’ve never heard of tissues

2) You’re doing a magic trick

1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train

inside everyone there are 2 wolves, one trying to ruin a pig’s house and one pretending to be your grandma.

Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”

Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.

Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.

[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg

Patient: It’s only a sore throat!

Me: I just really want to try out my new saw

Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.

My chiropractor is a crack addict.

In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault

i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or

cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”

Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.

Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.

Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.

[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s

Babe, you’re just perfect for me

Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man

Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”

I just fought a child-proof container to the death.

I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?

I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.

My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer

ME: Colman Domingo would make a great Hermes in the Hadestown movie

GUY WHO I’M TRAPPED IN A CAVE WITH: cool but I meant ideas about how we get out of this cave

Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦‍♂️🤷‍♂️

Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.

Me: And…the other thing?

Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.

Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.

Me: Flirting is fun

Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.

ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love