There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
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nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
good let them take over I have had enough
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.