@Inferno_V
@squirrel74wkgn
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
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@squirrel74wkgn
@Ivsy01
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
@crocodilethumbs
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
@tastefactory
New comic up. “Ransom”
@FrenulumBreve
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
@TheTweetOfGod
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
@DaddyJew
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
@NewDadNotes
Angel: so you named this screwdriver a flathead cause it’s head is flat?
God: yep
Angel: What are you gonna call this other one?
God: Phil
@Home_Halfway
[After sex]
HER:
ME:
HER;
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: Never use your Elmo voice again
@nevernicethings
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.