There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
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I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Netflix should’ve just maybe mailed us all this fight on DVD
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
We need to put an American base on the sun
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.