Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.

me and my fake scenarios

The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.

CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.

When you have to marry your mother-in-law

Waitress: Is everything ok?

Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?

🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶

Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you

Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.

If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.

When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch

Definition of Insomnia:

Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone

Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.

Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.

I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.

[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement

Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes

I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you

Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.

How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?

*job interview*

“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”

I quit

I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.

Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching you

Dogs

News: There are aliens in Miami

Internet: meh

News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?

Internet: *yawns*

News: Jews in a tunnel?

Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention

I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.

“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds

My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.

The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans

turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―