Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.

Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.

Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.

Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.

Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….

1 have a mental illness that makes me think that people will change their minds if I present the correct arguments with the appropriate facts and data

Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.

Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.

I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.

COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”

The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”

Friend: excited for your date?

Me: no I just found out what we do at the end

Friend: kiss?

Me: *thinking about tipping* math

Panda: am I too pudgy?

God: I have a better question.

Panda: ok.

God: what’s black and white and red all over?

Panda: I don’t know.

God: it’s you.

Panda: b-but I’m not red.

God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.

Panda: [blushing].

[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”

Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.

Him: Make a will?

Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.

brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys

Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake

Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.

I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.

I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.

if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away

Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.

[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*

A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid

7: [eating a bunch]

me:

7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.

me: that’s a good way to put it.

I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.

Genie: for your first wish?

Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.

Genie: done, and for your second?

Me: you can go I’m good.

I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.

Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.

me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”

Mugger: Give me your money

Me: Get ready to see some karate!

Mugger: Oh yeah?

Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag

it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware