There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
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The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
That eye roll….
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber “is this whiskey?”
The other says “yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank”.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Vampire walks into a grocery store and asks for a loaf of bread. The clerk looks at him and asks: “Why bread?” The vampire says: “There’s a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.’
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Sorted
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!