There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
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[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
If you had more money you’d be happier.
when revenge coincides with naptime
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Basketball
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.