@Marcmywords2

There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.

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@DanaSchwartzzz

Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister

@huntigula

I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins

@drinksmcgee

They say that ones who hurt you the most also love you the most which means that this clown standing over me with an axe must love me a lot.

@Brampersandon_

[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”

[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?

[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”

@Reverend_Scott

Inspirational tweet: There’s always a light at the end of the tunnel. I hope yours is a freight train.

@VaguelyFunnyDan

When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.

@Jtweeters

If you love someone, set them free. If they return… something, something, Justin Bieber’s a lesbian.

@Kids_kubed

If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you

They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside

@junejuly12

Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.