There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
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my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous
Just this preview of the story is enough
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Not recommended for beginners.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.