There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
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*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”
The second world war should have been called world war returns
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*