There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
You Might Also Like
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.