There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
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Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Batman: I’m afraid of bats
Superman: I’m afraid of soup
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed