There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
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Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
#dalle2
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.