There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
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Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.
Math at Halloween.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.