There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
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AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
OMFG!
I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.
Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,
I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
certified hallow’s eve classic
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
I put the h in mysterious.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what