@DionneMcNutt

There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.

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@Manda_like_wine

Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.

@hazelmotes1

Kids, you’ll never know the pain of digging the innards of a loved cassette out of a cheap stereo and crying as you wind it up with a pencil

@3sunzzz

My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.

@useful_wagon

Of course I swallow it’s a basic function of eating. What kind of job interview is this anyway and why are there multiple cameras

@aka_fatman

“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”

@gobmentcheese

I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”

@FunnyMojoJojo

People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.

@pro_failure

I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”

@squirrel74wkgn

Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.