There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
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I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other