Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.

My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.

I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.

*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.

the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine

Which is it, brain?

Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything

Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?

*watches Beauty and the Beast*

*looks at dirty dishes in sink*

WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!

Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.

I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.

this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens

You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.

What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?

Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel

Wile E Coyote: oh no

Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl

[on deathbed]

“Tell my Wif… *cough*”

Yes? Tell her what?

“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”

[dies]

How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”

Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.

How to use a credit card machine:

1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!

Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.

Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.

Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.

6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.

Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.

My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.

“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”

Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable

I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.