There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
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Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Choose your fighter
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!