Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.

You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.

My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.

*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*

gf: I wanna break up

*flops stomach out*

me: finally

I would like even faster food.

My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.

Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism

HER: yes

BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry

I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”

My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?

sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa

As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.

I’m more “fermented”.

I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*

Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.

Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.

CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…

Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP

Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.

I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.

Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.

Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?

I’m not saying my 6yo is dramatic, I’m just saying we heard a severe thunderstorm warning on the car radio, and he groaned and said ugh why does my day keep getting worse

[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]

Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.

Why is my life so hard?!!

~Me, trying to open a jar .

It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.

My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.

I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.

omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺

The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd

If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.

I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.