There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
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Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
shit, they caught us—run!!!
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?