There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
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[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
(yawn)
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.