blocked.
You Might Also Like
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
no regrets
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof