Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: we’re engaged, Dad!

her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first

me: you’re not really my type

Being alone at Christmas can be challenging. People keep inviting you to things so you have to be very firm.

🔦🌙👣

Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”

Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.

I’m serious

The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.

Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0

Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]

My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.

*shows buyers around my home*

This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really

It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.

I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing

[My wedding]

Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.

Me: But my dress has pockets!

I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this

genie: you have three wishes

me: end the pandemic

genie: [snaps fingers] done

me: get me a good job

genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history

me: i wish to own a home

genie: dude come on

Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?

@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂

COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.

We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.

*orders expensive cat bed*

*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*

*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*

*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*

ME: There are 18 sheep.

RANCHER: Round ‘em up!

ME: There are 20 sheep.

This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.

reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery

me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes

Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you

Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.

I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.

Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.

🫠

The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.

hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??

imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog

my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock