Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work

[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.

I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat

“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”

[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]

Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!

Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.

This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.

In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.

If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️

Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!

Your honor my client doesn’t like jail

Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”

[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.

Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.

*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*

I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.

[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct

If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING

Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler

Me: This spaghetti is spicy.

Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel

Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?

Son: The end.

Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…

Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR

Hey…quick question, fellas:

Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?

A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away

*Job Interview

Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”

(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)

Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*

My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.

Ah 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago.

*starts crying*

[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back

[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust

[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO

can I use a minion as a tampon