Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”

Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.

Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.

The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted

Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.

“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”

“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”

“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”

Persuading my cat to go outside in the cold is a bit like when I had to encourage my daughter to go down the slide when she was 5.

Go on.
You can do it.
Brave girl.
GO ON.

[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]

Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.

Me:

Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.

♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫

Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok

“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.

I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are

My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new

Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*

Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”

him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction

me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go

For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.

You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.

It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.

Ma’am, it’s moving.

I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!

me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?

girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?

me: no girls allowed

I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.

[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁

[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty

My wife is talking about the seriousness of hazardous waste and I’m eating ham (that I hid in a tricky corner of a fitted sheet while pretending to fold it) and wow it’s crazy, right?!
*slowly chews the ham*

“Is this your resume?”

Yes

“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”

Yes

“Welcome to UPS!”

I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.

Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.

i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value

One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set

I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.