Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.

Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.

Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.

Finally

*Decision made

I was thinking of being narsysistic.

But I can’t spell it.

So I’m going to be vein.

I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment

The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.

*Me being held for ransom*

Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!

My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.

“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo

My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans

[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.

Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.

BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be

ME: I’ll have a dirty martini

BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*

My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.

God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL

[at olive garden]

waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be

me: olives

waiter: ok

My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.

Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?

Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!

Her: We’ve never met.

Me: That long huh?

You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window

I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.

Well, my evening plans are ruined

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy

Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know

If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.

Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway

Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.

What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?

i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead

*gets abducted by aliens*

*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*

*gets returned by aliens*

Guy on an electric bike asked if I was single and I told him I’m not really “into dating right now” and he said “that’s cool” and let me ride his very cool electric bike but when it was over he said “that’s what you’re missing” and scooted off into the distance