There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
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6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
finally found a reasonable question
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life