There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
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me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Donkey Kong sommelier
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Thank you 🥹
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
what are they serving at kfc then???
😂😂😂
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.