There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
You Might Also Like
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal