Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

boss: can i talk to you in my office

me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too

To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…

Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD

I’ll go first…

Bad Boys. 😏

One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.

I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl

Date: Are you winking or blinking?

Cyclops: I do not know.

been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou

Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?

Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*

good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.

[sitting around a bonfire]

Friend: This is so peaceful

My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”

Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.

Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.

When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??

I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.

Press 1 for English
Press 2 For Spanish

Press 1 or 2 for Indian

How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl

[staff meeting]

“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”

The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.

How did people charge their phones before electricity?

[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar

clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.

I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”

[at a wine tasting]

Me: *sips and swishes*

Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store

A comb is the ultimate parting gift.

Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.

[hiking]

ME: I’m so tired

MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face

I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.