There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
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Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.
That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!