There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
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Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
*seductively eats two tums*
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30