There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
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the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.