There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
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From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?