There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
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Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
my 15 yo doesn’t understand why he gets diarrhea after he eats only Pepperoni sandwiches, ramen noodles and 37 pizza bagels every day. It’s a real damn mystery.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
2nd day of the kickstarter…thank u for such an amazing day yesterday….. i love you
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison