There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
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“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.