There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
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” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Me: You know what would be really handy? A small bobcat.
Friend: The animal or the bulldozer? Since it’s you talkin’, I have no idea.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:
Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.