Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.

When you “pspspsp” too hard

I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.

[Chevy commercial]

“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”

Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded

Woman: I feared for my life the entire time

To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…

The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.

Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.

although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”

[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s

5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.

[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care

I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.

Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag

Him: sir this is a food bank

Me: put all the broccoli in the bag

how to lose 20lb

step 1: gain 40lb

[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep

Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?

Yeah, me neither.

[on Ferris wheel]

ME: This is going great.

MY DATE: This is so weird.

UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.

[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”

The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing

Bad joke of the day:

How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.

I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.

*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back

I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly

Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.

This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.

Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined

Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like

Wife: those are our children

Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.