There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
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Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”